Excuses
A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.
A clean tie will always attract the soup of the day.
A man was killed with hard drink. A block of ice fell on him!
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
Always keep a record of data - it indicates you’ve been working.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
An illiterate fisherman was lost at c.
Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Been there, done that and have the tee-shirt to prove it.
Beer doesn’t make you fat. It makes you lean... against doors, tables, and walls.
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don’t expect it back.
Character Density, n.: The number of very weird people in the office.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it has stopped snowing.
Crying is for babies, women, and men who just got their ears ripped off.
Did Adam and Eve go to school? I don’t think so.
Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don’t expect to eat something fancy when you’re flying because it’s just plane food.
Don’t play stupid with me, I’m better at it!
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Everyone wishes that their grass was Emo, then it would cut itself.
Exercise is such a bad word, that whenever I say it, I immediately wash my mouth with chocolate!
For someone up in years, weightlifting consists of standing up.
Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
Hard work never killed anybody. But then again, relaxing is responsible for very few casualties.
Having a big family around is a good way to make sure there will always be someone around to answer the phone - and forget the message.
He avoided funerals because he was not a mourning person.
He didn’t tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.
He wears glasses during math because it improves division.
He’s not dead... he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.
I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.
I get along well with everybody........after they learn to worship me.
I get my large circumference from too much pi.
I have the body of a god. Buddha.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.
I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
I wouldn’t belong to any club that would have me as a member.
I’m always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
I’m busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
I’ve been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
If God didn’t want us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them out of meat.
If God intended for man to smoke, he would have set them on fire.
If something’s too hard to do, it’s not worth doing.
If the rolling stone gathers no moss, then the kid I pushed down the hill gathers no injuries, right?
If words really did go in one ear and out the other, right now I’d be dead.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
If you give some managers an inch they think they’re a ruler.
If you’re a truly good thief, your name gets mentioned in the business pages.
In aerobics class, I start slow and taper off.
It is okay to be slow on every day that ends in "y".
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.
It's not me who can't keep a secret, it's the people I tell that can't.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.
Last night I had a dream that I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You’re right so I left.
Marriage is not a word. It’s a sentence.
My uncle is sort of an artist. He draws welfare.
No problem is so big, or so complicated, that it can’t be run away from.
Nothing says "unprofessional job" like wrinkles in your duct tape.
Organization is just a lazy person’s excuse to clean up.
Pity costs nothing and is worth it.
Rehab is for quitters.
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-Flat Minor.
Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred yard dash.
Some days it’s just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.
Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.
Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!
Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
Trust me, I do this all the time.
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
We can’t all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.
When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."
When your memory goes, forget it!
You are stuck with your debt if you don’t budge it.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.